Communion is Essential

For the first time in forever, I am back in communion. On Saturday, anxious over the truth but more afraid for my sins, I went through my third confession since becoming Orthodox a year and a half ago. Being protestant much of my life, confession still feels foreign and awkward. After all, we spend so much energy covering up and hiding what we really are until we become nothing but a shell stuck in a web of lies - or worse, we become a Pandora's box begging those close to us to peak inside and release our darkness to the surrounding world. However, you can not treat a festering wound by keeping it under a bandage, and confession is that fresh air to the wound. It shines light on the things we desperately want hidden and scatters the darkness within. If confession is the bandage removed, communion is the ointment applied.

Communion is essential. For life, for light, for healing and joy. As I move further into the light, I realize heaven can be here. That life before this is a shadow play of dark greys. But here is color, here is joy, here is life further in and further up. I look forward to stepping further into this light, illuminating more demons in my soul and chasing them away. The fire that burns, that my dark thoughts fear- those dark thoughts sitting like a lizard on my shoulder and whispering lies into my ear- this fire once too bright is made bearable by this communion. Bread and wine made body and blood mingle somewhere between my body and soul and purify both, so I can burn bright like this fire and yet it does not destroy me.

The world around me is not left behind, but brought also into the light. The birds sing stronger, the sun shines brighter and that soft lemon light emanating from the core of everything returns to my field of vision. Yes, the world burns and is illuminated with the presence and love of God. This communion pulls the blinders from my eyes and I see it once again, but only glimmers here and there. Perhaps tomorrow, through grace, I will step further into this light, see life a little more pure, be a little more pure like Christ. "Taste and see that the Lord is good." If this is a hint of what life can be, the beginning to something more and beautiful, I never again want to turn my eyes away and take steps back. For perhaps the first time in my life, I have found something worthy of fighting.

But first, there is the fight. The work, the refocusing of thoughts frustratingly straying, the darkness and weakness of my own story, the habits, the passions, the laziness and necessary discipline. The fear of breaking into myself and finding a hollow inside, the fear of others seeing this inside and giving up on me. Yes, there is much work here, but through grace I am becoming. And finally, with conviction, I know my final destination, my final me, is worth every ounce of sweat, tear and pain.

I desire life everlasting and full, Lord give the blessing!