Speed Dating Fails

Best of 8/19/2012

1. “We can still leave. Let’s go kayaking!”
“Well, we aren’t really dressed for kayaking. Let’s stick it out.”
“Alright, but I’m going to need a glass of wine.”
Bartender informs that Sunday nights are 50% off wine bottles.
“Oh no....”

2. “If you are leaving, you need to put your bottle in a bag.”
Bartender wraps bottle in a plastic bag, Thank You written multiple times down one side.
“Thanks...”
Complete registration and enter speed dating group, bagged bottle in one hand.

3. Email to registrants. “It is very important that you either show up or cancel with enough notice to fill your spot. We strive to keep an equal number of men to women.”
“How many people are registered tonight?”
“We have about 18 male/female pairs.”
Show up at my table along with another female, also numbered 19.
“Umm... it looks like we over registered females. Wait here until the men catch up to your numbers.”

4. “I was recently awarded the Speed Dating Facilitator of the Year. That’s nationwide.”
“There are two number 19, 20 and 21’s.”
“Hold on!” under breath “how is this happening?”
“Is this how you win Facilitator of the Year?”
Looks. Blinks. “I’m still ahead of Tampa.”

5. To group of 5 over-registered women: “So, who coerced you guys into coming to this thing tonight?”
“I don’t understand. I googled searched for it.”

6. Arrival of Bachelor #1: “I got here late. What are we supposed to do?”
“See, you have this sheet with numbers and people that correspond with each number. You talk with someone and take notes on this sheet, then you mark whether you liked them and want your contact information sent to them.”
Watch as my name is written down by the Number 1 slot.
“No, I’m number 19, so you write my name right here.”
“Thank you. You are so informal.”
“How do you mean?”
“You know, you know so much stuff.”
“Um... thanks.”

7. Each person gets 4 minutes to determine if they want their contact information sent to the opposite person.
“How is your night going?”
“Um... great.”
Awkward silence. Bells rings.

8. Four bags of candy sit on my table. Next guy approaches.
“Would you like a bag of candy?”
“Well, my brother is the organizer to this thing, so I’ll probably end up with all the candy anyway. Also, I’m fat.”
“Oh. I suppose you could throw it up later, if it’s a problem.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”

9. “So, do you have a 4 min schpeel? Did you practice any questions before hand?”
“No, I thought I’d just wing it and see how things go.”
Awkward silence. Bell rings.

10. Meanwhile, two tables away:
“Is Becca short for Rebecca?”
“Yes.”
“Do you just not like your full name?”
“What?”

11. “What were you doing in New York city?”
Answer for 3 seconds before noticing the blank look and stare over shoulder, which happens to point toward a wall.
Still in conversational tone of first three seconds “and it doesn’t matter anyway since no one is listening.”
Smile.
No reaction from blank stare bachelor. Asks next question.

12. Awkward conversation #7: Bachelor offering suggestions on what a vegetarian could possibly eat in Brazil that is not bbq. Answer, vegetables.
“I think we really connected.”

13. “I just took a test to be a nursing assistant.”
“Oh, is that like changing a bedpan?” joking.
“Actually, there are 15 steps to changing a bedpan.”
E-how only has 6. I shudder to think what 9 steps are missing:  http://www.ehow.com/how_8280270_change-bedpan.html

14. Reconvening with Becca at the end to discuss the night.
“This is a rule. You have to circle at least 5 guys.”
“5!!?!?? I’d be hard pressed to choose one for another 4 min conversation, yet alone exchange my contact information.”
Ugh...

15. “Pancakes?”
“Pancakes.”